Will You Survive... The Podcast
Immerse yourself in the world of cinema as we embark on a journey to equip you with the skills to tackle any disaster head-on. Through the lens of thrilling tales, particularly those of the zombie apocalypse, we'll unravel the secrets of preparedness. Join us as we explore the silver screen to empower you for the challenges that lie ahead.
Will You Survive... The Podcast
Survive or Die: Survival Improv Showdown
What happens when your survival depends on the most random item you could imagine? That's the premise of our brand new "Survive or Die" format, where Alex and TJ face off in a battle of creative survival thinking.
Armed with nothing but a bizarre assortment of everyday items, our contestants tackle increasingly absurd scenarios. Picture this: you're trapped in a walk-in freezer with only a fire starter. Or you're fleeing from a bear with nothing but your voice to defend yourself. How would you possibly survive?
The contrasting approaches are what make this episode shine. Alex typically takes the practical route, like creating angled shelter with a tarp to reflect heat or disabling a freezer's cooling system to prevent freezing to death. Meanwhile, TJ embraces the theatrical – wearing a tarp as a cape to scare away bears or misinterpreting "brown bear" entirely for comedic effect.
Some of the episode's most memorable moments include defending against zombies with tent poles, escaping rising floodwaters with plungers, and TJ's revolutionary idea to introduce squirrel civilization to the concept of nut butter using a blender. The solutions range from genuinely clever to hilariously absurd, with both contestants earning points for creativity if not always practicality.
By the final tally, Alex edges out TJ by just one point in this survival battle of wits. But the real question remains: when faced with these impossible scenarios, which approach would you take? The practical solution or the spectacular one? Listen now and test your own survival creativity!
Hello, hello, survivors, and welcome to another episode of Will you Survive.
Speaker 2:The Podcast.
Speaker 1:This is a podcast where we watch a movie and then we talk about said movie and we talk about all the survival aspects of it, except this time we didn't watch a movie. So get tricked, get pranked. We are doing something that I want to call survive or die. Uh, and my two contestants today will be alex that's me and tj. I have ravioli, he has ravioli. Therefore, he has an advantage in all survival situations I have adult applesauce that could be a detriment. Now, what would the equivalent of that be?
Speaker 2:chunky, jello, jello shots no, what would the equivalent? Maybe just fermented applesauce um, ew, you know, you know what it could be. It could be uh, it could be it could be like a uh, what do they call it? What do they call it? It has a name, but it's like adult watermelon put a bottle of oh yeah, I've done that, that, that. That'll mess you up.
Speaker 3:That'll mess you up, yeah that's insane.
Speaker 1:I would. I don't think I'll do that anytime soon again, and I did that a long time ago. Last time I did, it was 2020.
Speaker 2:What about the one?
Speaker 1:chip. It's painful. So let me introduce you guys to this survive or die format that we're going to do here. I'm going to present each of you It'll be one at a time, so we'll go back and forth I'm going to present each of you with a situation and then an item. So the situation will be some sort of survival situation or scenario that you might find yourself in, and I'm going to give you an item at random from a long list that I have here. I'm going to try to make it somewhat challenging but usable. I might give you something completely useless, so your goal is to see what you can possibly come up with to use this item if it was the only thing you had to help you survive these life or death situations. Do we understand?
Speaker 2:I think so.
Speaker 1:It'll make more sense as we go. Who wants to go first? I'll go. All right, alex, number one, you are stranded in the wilderness for three days. You somehow know it'll be exactly three days. Your item is a tarp. What would you do with said item? You don't have to just talk about the item. You could talk about like.
Speaker 2:Am I able to ask questions? Sure, so what's the climate that I'm in?
Speaker 1:Forest.
Speaker 2:I'm in. Well, that's geography.
Speaker 1:What climate Is it tropical, let's say Redwood.
Speaker 2:Forest Redwood Forest.
Speaker 1:What season is it? We'll say it's like early spring. Okay, so it's cold, all right.
Speaker 2:So it's going to get cold at night. It'll be warm in the day, warm-ish in the day, okay. So if I'm in the redwoods, there's most likely running water somewhere.
Speaker 1:Fair assumption.
Speaker 2:I have a tarp. I think I would prefer to use the tarp for shelter. I could do one of a few things. Having just the tarp.
Speaker 2:I would have to try to find some way to tie up the tarp to give me cover. That would give me enough cover in the day that I wouldn't get heat exhaustion or sunstroke, and it would give me pretty good cover if I do it right, low enough to my body that I can contain some body heat and stay semi-warm at night. Maybe even put it up at an angle where I have the fire in front of me and the tarp behind me so it reflects a little bit of heat at me. I think that would be. The best case scenario is to use the tarp for shelter instead of trying to use it for water or anything like that. Because I have three days, if I know I only have three days. I can go without food and I could even manage to go without water for that long if I couldn't find it in that period of time I don't know if I could go without food for that long but I would not be able to go without shelter in the night at uh, in the redwood forests.
Speaker 1:That's my answer okay, I'm gonna switch things up a little bit. Uh, tj. Yeah, give me a different way that you would use that item. I want to clarify also I'm not grading purely on practicality. I'm a silly goose, so we can get a little creative with these if we want to.
Speaker 2:What I was gonna say thanks for fucking telling me that now well for the as we go on.
Speaker 1:you got a point Because I was thinking that what I would use a tarp for would be shelter. That is what I would use it for. I would create some sort of like a stick frame in a T shape and put the tarp over to protect you from rain and then put a fire right outside so that the heat gets trapped inside with you. Very valid idea. I also imagine it's going to rain because it's the Redwood Forest. So what would you use it for? Tj.
Speaker 3:Okay, say I'm just, you know, dropped here. I just wake up. There's a tarp, I'm in a Redwood Forest, I'm nowhere near home. I have no Redwoods in the state that I live in. I'm going to tie the tarp around my neck and run around like a cape uh, caped crusader and uh, if I run in one direction, eventually I'll get somewhere.
Speaker 1:I don't hate the idea. I do feel like you'd scare away it'll attract attention if there's anybody nearby. If it doesn't, I guess I'm dead I think you'd also scare away the most of the bears that are up there, because those are black bears up there, right and yeah, yeah. So I think that uh, I mean yeah, I think that's an idea.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, okay, I like that one. All right, so, tj, you had a point. By the way, alex, tj, for your scenario zombies break into your house. The item that you have is a tent pole.
Speaker 3:How many zombies?
Speaker 1:Let's say oh, it just says zombies, so let's just say one Single zombie.
Speaker 3:Yeah, single zombie have you ever seen? Daredevil, I yes, okay, depending on which one billy clubs where, okay it's two sticks and then, if you take them apart, there's a string. What?
Speaker 3:does the tent pole have the exact same thing. So I'm gonna do the best I can using that tent pole. You know I'm uh, yeah, tent poles are pretty long. Let's say this one's like six feet, you know sure. You know Sure, you know Reasonable If I can take it in half and use the string, wrap it around their head and just violently smash their face into my knee and see what happens.
Speaker 1:Hmm, okay, okay, I must say I do fear there's a risk of being bit.
Speaker 3:That's no Smashing a zombie's head into your knee. I wear very thick jeans all the time.
Speaker 1:Okay, I would have liked to hear knee pads more in that situation. But, sure, very thick denim jeans, three pairs because it's cold. Okay, sure, alex, how would you use a tent pole if a zombie broke into your house?
Speaker 2:How would I use a tent pole? Okay, here's my idea. My idea is I would want to use something more practical and wrangle a zombie. Let's say something like I'm in a household. I'm in a house, so I'm going to say I have a pillowcase and I can tie it around the zombie's head to prevent myself from getting bit very easily. And then I would use the tent pole to, randomly and without warning, whip the zombie all over. I am talking torture. I am going to whip it and ask it why it broke into my house. I am going to take out all aggression that I have on this zombie and I'm going to make sure all of his friends know don't fuck with me.
Speaker 1:That is an interesting idea, uh, treating them more like animals than anything. Uh, and torturing them also at the same time. Uh, interesting, okay, uh, I lost my. There we go. I lost my sheep for a second, I got scared. Okay, uh, torture it.
Speaker 2:That's an interesting approach and also uh, fenriris points out that tj an opportunity he could have gotten away with apple-bottom jeans.
Speaker 3:I'm glad he didn't, do I have the boots with the fur or no?
Speaker 2:Do you? I don't know, do you?
Speaker 3:Okay, I've got the whole club.
Speaker 1:We're looking at her. Alex, yes, alex Okay. Alex yes, you are locked in a walk-in freezer oh, that's awful the only item that you happen to have on you is a fire starter. Is there anything you can think to do in a walk-in freezer with a fire starter?
Speaker 2:um, I am in a walk-in freezer. I'm locked in there with a fire starter. Ah, okay, um, obvious thing. Could I even, potentially, start a fire? Not wise, because they are airtight. Is it on? Yes, it is on, okay, um, with a fire starter which? Uh, which type of fire starter do you know?
Speaker 2:like a magnesium and flint okay, something that doesn't matter if it's easy to do and the steel is hard but not doesn't have leverage for like stabby power, I wouldn't be able to poke my way out of it. Um, so this fricking thing is on, I'm locked in and all I have is a fire starter and whatever belongs in the walk-in freezer. Let me see, I I don't think there's a whole lot I can do with a fire starter in a freezer, so I would probably try to God. Okay, this is tough because a walk-in freezer is pretty large, but it's not an indefinite amount of oxygen, although the oxygen is pulled from outside. So I'm thinking really the only thing I would have a good possibility of doing is using the steel and stopping the fan blade and eventually burning up the motor so that I don't freeze to death, because it won't take me long to freeze in a walk-in freezer if that motor is still on and if I can't do anything else.
Speaker 2:I can't start a fire with anything that's frozen. I'm trying to think of everything I knew of when I was in a freezer. There's nothing in there that would be lightable, everything is frozen, everything is wet, everything is hard. That's the only thing I could think of doing is breaking the motor so that I at least don't freeze to death. In the next three hours I would probably have many more hours of oxygen that I could breathe to try to figure out how to get out of this walk-in. So I think that's what I would have to do.
Speaker 1:I like that answer because I would not have thought to do that. I'll tell you my idea in a second TJ. What would you do with a fire starter in a walk-in freezer?
Speaker 3:Can you do a little bit of research for me?
Speaker 1:I think I might have already done the research that you're going to ask.
Speaker 3:What would you like me to research? I definitely don't think that you did. Is refrigerant flammable?
Speaker 1:I did not you're right, I looked up if there's fire sprinklers in walk-in freezers there's not, they're dry probably is refrigerant flammable oh my god, that's a top search. Not flammable, but some can be. Depends on the type. R410a is common in modern hvac systems, but this isn't really it's not an hvac. Yeah, this is, this is um are refrigerants refrigerant or is refrigerant used in walk-in freezers flammable while y'all were searching?
Speaker 3:in most cases, no, no, yeah. So my original idea was to stop the fan, because in the back of most commercial walk-in freezers there are like, there's like the condenser unit, the fan and whatever. But then he, you know, he said that, um, I was, I wasn't gonna use the fire starter to do it, I was gonna be like oh, walk-in freezer, there's probably food, I don't know, throw a fucking strip of ribs in there or something. See what happens, chuck a ham in there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just yeah beat it with a frozen chicken, you know um, you know, I admire, I admire your guys's knowledge of that, because I would have just tried to start a fire in there yeah, yeah, yeah, not gonna, I just tried to light a ham on fire or something or cheese, or so I had.
Speaker 2:I think cheese would burn. I had a lot of years in walk-in freezers so I knew that there's no way you can light anything on fire in there I was on top of one on friday, um anyways so just for factual uh information here uh, walk-in refrigerant, uh, walk-in freezers typically use one of three peron, suva or genitron, and they're all brands of r410a, which is all non-flammable good to know I was going to use that to like start a fire, to be specific um, now I'm not going to survive this, because if there's nobody around, you're not going to be.
Speaker 3:There's no oxygen coming in other than like you're not really flammable. Yeah, no, uh, I think I'm just gonna pull on the refrigerant line, have it leak and, uh, just huff on that. You know, feel, feel, feel good till uh, till I freeze to death all right, yeah, hey, hey, you know what?
Speaker 1:I'll give you a point for that.
Speaker 3:I like hey, because that shit does get you like that's some joker shit right there.
Speaker 1:If you gotta go, go with a smile yeah, seriously, I kind of dig it all right, tj. Flood waters are rising in your apartment. The item that you have is a plunger where's the water coming? From? Uh, undetermined. What color is the water? Um, I mean, it looks. It looks like water. It's got like a light kind of dirty tint to it. Is anywhere else flooded? Or just my apartment? Uh, well, so far it looks like water. It's got like a light kind of dirty tint to it. Is anywhere else flooded?
Speaker 3:or just my apartment.
Speaker 1:Well, so far it seems like your apartment, but you do live on the first floor, so it could be a tsunami, it could be anything, okay, okay.
Speaker 3:And my goal is to survive. Yeah, and I have a plunger.
Speaker 1:You have a plunger.
Speaker 3:What's the handle made out of? Just a quick question.
Speaker 1:All right, got it Red plunger tip.
Speaker 3:I am going to run to the furthest room that is not filling with water. Stack shit on top of each other. As you say, I live on the first floor. I will then use the plunger to bash a hole in the ceiling. Now, stay with me here. Stay with me here. Okay, I'm following as I'm bashing holes in the ceiling. I'm doing it in like a perfect circular. You know motion. Then I then rip the drywall down. I'm assuming that there's insulation.
Speaker 3:Rip that down, right so all over your face, okay it's yeah, it might not be fiberglass, it could be like sheep's wool or it could be like you know, spray you know shit like that.
Speaker 1:I'm the narrator here fiberglass it is your lungs hate you right now. Go on, it's fine, it's fine it's fine.
Speaker 3:I will locate a sort of duct or maybe a beam of some sort, try to climb up a little bit and start bashing my way up through the ceiling up into my neighbor's apartment, and then I will do that again and again until I reach the roof.
Speaker 1:Okay, alex, you're on your first floor apartment. Floodwaters are. You're on your second floor apartment rising? Somebody you're on your first floor apartment, floodwaters are rising in your apartment and you have a plunger. What do you do?
Speaker 2:okay, judging by the way you worded this, you said floodwaters are rising in my apartment, but is it just my apartment, or is it floodwaters undetermined? Well, first thing I'm gonna do is look out the window there's no water I'm gonna open the front door okay, you let out a bunch of water. I let let the water out. Now I'm to try to find out where the water's coming from.
Speaker 1:Your floors are disgusting now. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they would be absolutely wretched. But before I start worrying about cleanup, I'm going to look for the source of the water. Was it a toilet? It?
Speaker 1:was a toilet.
Speaker 2:So now I shut off the water so no more water comes in, and try to plunge it.
Speaker 1:All right, congratulations, you've solved the situation. Tj, you owe your neighbors a shit ton of money in floor repairs.
Speaker 2:It's probably my neighbor's fault, no one's who clogged up the goddamn system.
Speaker 3:I hear him shitting at the fucking 3 in the morning right through the fucking walls like in here at the pipes TJ's toilet floods and he's like that's it breaking the ceiling.
Speaker 1:I'm not getting stuck in here with this that was so epic.
Speaker 2:I was hearing it happen and I'm like I think there's a simpler way but there's nothing more badass than using a plunger to break through the ceiling you know how long that must take you I think that would also be kind of cool drywall isn't that hard to break through but the insulation and the studs well, you're not breaking through the studs, but as soon as you hit the stud, the ra.
Speaker 2:But as soon as you hit the stud, the rafters. As soon as you hit the rafters, you know, just move on, move over a couple of inches.
Speaker 3:Every 18 inches. Eric, did you know that? I did not know that. If you need to hang something up now, you know, maybe hang up those fucking paintings that have been in the corner of your room for fucking two years.
Speaker 1:Those aren't paintings.
Speaker 2:Those are not paintings.
Speaker 1:Those are sound panels that have been there for about the last year and a half. Hang them up. They need to go into studs. I don't feel like drilling into the walls. They're kind of just going to sit there and be decoration forever now, alex, yeah, you are asleep in your bed and you hear the front door first open. There's a home invasion happening. You reach over, you grab from your nightstand your weapon of choice, and it's a pair of sunglasses. What do you do?
Speaker 2:I've reached over and my weapon of choice are sunglasses. Yeah, I strip down completely, fucking butt naked. I put those sunglasses on, I step out into the hallway and I tell them now you fucked up, because rape is only a five-year sentence that is insane. Nothing to say is a life sentence.
Speaker 1:Now get over here that is a terrifying thing.
Speaker 2:That's horrifying knowledge to have I don't have the right number on the sentence there, but it was it was meant to be drastic because it's it's far less for and I should. I shouldn't have said the word because it's like no, I'm bad on all social media.
Speaker 1:I respect that. All right, tj, you're in your house, so you break into a house and this guy I'm gonna so tj I'm gonna I'm gonna assume it's not alex.
Speaker 2:Alex did not break into your house.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna assume that alex and I are roommates. Nice, so he's already confronted them. I whisper to my Alexa Alexa, enter ditty mode. All of the LED lights in the house go red. I put on my sunglasses, strip butterball naked, except for my g-string. I always keep on me. I then lube myself up with all of the baby oil, I keep in my secret cabinet below the stairs and I slide at the attacker.
Speaker 2:You better hand me a bottle.
Speaker 1:Well, you guys went a way different route than I was thinking you might go down. I figured both of you knew Mortal Kombat and might try to become Johnny Cage. Sunglasses are kind of his main thing, but the going full Diddy Party on the Invader is a turn of events I did not see coming.
Speaker 3:Now imagine a fucking multiple hundred pound man sliding at you on the floor at high speeds, at least 40.
Speaker 2:Like a seal.
Speaker 3:Like a goddamn seal Making the same noises too.
Speaker 1:TJ's tall. Tj's tall and big. That would be horrifying Torpedo For him to come sliding down the hallway at Mach 10. Okay, tj, next situation. I have a very specific solution in mind for this that I don't know if either of you are going to get.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:But for my entertainment I'm going to do it. You are on the run from a bear and all you have is your voice. Tj, what do you tell this bear? What kind of bear? We'll say it's a brown bear. So yelling at it isn't usually going to make it go away.
Speaker 3:Where am I?
Speaker 1:at You're in the redwoods, okay, where there's not usually brown bears.
Speaker 3:I don't know what a big hairy brown man is doing in the redwoods, Okay, when there's not usually brown bears. I don't know what a big hairy brown man is doing in the woods, but you know.
Speaker 1:That's what the bear is wondering.
Speaker 3:I'll let him know I'm not interested More in the twinks myself. I'll tell him I have a friend, eric, who I think he'd be really into, and then I send him the nice man on his way, the very homo sexual man, very hairy, that's what they call it All right.
Speaker 1:All right, DJ Alex. You said he was brown, so yeah, no, you nailed it, you won. You won that one. You nailed it, you won. You won that one. You got me. That wasn't what I was, that's not at all what I had in mind, but you beat me at my own game there, so I can't say you're wrong. Alex, how would you survive a brown bear with just your voice? How would I survive a?
Speaker 2:brown bear, with just my voice, I think what I would have to do.
Speaker 3:He's thinking about a big, hairy brown man. I am not. He's trying to stop thinking about it. I'm thinking of a brown bear.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to think. Raul.
Speaker 1:I closed my eyes and I got a very vivid picture of exactly what a Raul would look like if he was a bear.
Speaker 2:In my head. He looks like the guy who played Gomez Adams in Wednesday.
Speaker 3:It's along those lines.
Speaker 2:It's along those lines, yeah, so we got a lore for our whole.
Speaker 3:That's so stupid.
Speaker 2:So I think the only thing I can do in trying to survive a brown bear, the only thing I have is my voice. Is it charging at me?
Speaker 1:yes, you're on the run from it I'm on the run, oh man that's already seconds that's the first dumb thing that I've done.
Speaker 2:Uh, I'm running from the bear. It's gonna catch me any second now. Uh, god, I don't know. I think the only thing I can do is cry, scream. Tell the bear, I didn't mean it, what I did to its family what'd you do to its family? That's between me and the bear.
Speaker 1:Okay, shit, ask Alexa.
Speaker 2:Now I'm taking the bear's side, all right.
Speaker 1:Well, my answer which I thought was really funny, but it's only really funny to me is I would turn around and go no Stop, I don't like this game. That's one of my favorite jokes of all time, tag you're it.
Speaker 3:No, stop, tag, you're it.
Speaker 1:No, stop. I don't like this game. Oh my God.
Speaker 2:It's my favorite joke of all time. It's so funny.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Raul would have thought that was funny.
Speaker 1:Raul would have thought that was funny raul gomez alex. Yep, you are in a hostage situation in a kitchen. Your loved one pick whoever is held hostage in your kitchen. You reach over and you grab your weapon of choice, a rolling pin. What do you do?
Speaker 2:well, how is this my weapon of choice?
Speaker 1:you chose it. It's right there, it's it's there was a gun next to it, but you grab the rolling pin.
Speaker 2:I don't know what to tell you. Why would I grab the rolling pin?
Speaker 1:why did you grab the rolling pin? Yeah, you gotta tell us why. Clearly, it's your weapon of choice. You had a thought behind this.
Speaker 3:You knew what you were gonna do your wife even dramatically said babe, get the pin I pick up the rolling pin when you grab the pin, corinne goes.
Speaker 2:She looks at the hostage guy and she goes you fucked up now I tell the hostage taker now that I have my rolling pin, I can do one of two things I can make you start the s or I can smash you in the head with this. One of those two things is going to happen next. Which do you choose?
Speaker 1:He asks you if you can do corn tortillas.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, they're easy.
Speaker 1:Well, you won them over, because Mexican food makes every situation better.
Speaker 3:Always, you're not supposed to use a rolling pin for corn tortillas. You got to use a little press thing. You can.
Speaker 2:No, oh my God, you fucking cheater you.
Speaker 3:How dare you nah, dude, the press gets imperfectly circular. I want to do that for flower too, but that's ridiculous. I don't know, goddamn oblong, fucking corn tortilla with your hands.
Speaker 1:That's how you do it.
Speaker 3:Real mexicans do it with their hands no, the fuck they don't, because I have abuela and she uses that shit because she's got arthritis.
Speaker 1:Come on, exactly. It's a good way to do it. You just get too.
Speaker 3:I don't have arthritis fool.
Speaker 2:That's the fuck you do. Stop lying to yourself. Fuck you, I do. My hand was hurting so bad. The other day I was rubbing my pinky.
Speaker 3:I know you have plantar fasciitis in your left foot.
Speaker 2:I wonder if I have. Oh, fuck you, I do too in my right foot.
Speaker 3:This is getting personal asshole I got up a little too quick the other day and I felt a little pop in the middle of my foot.
Speaker 2:I was like ew, that's what I say, man when in my youth, all my injuries came from skateboarding, snowboarding and surfing. Now, all my injuries came from skateboarding, snowboarding and surfing. Now all my injuries come from sitting down too long, standing up too fast and sleeping wrong.
Speaker 1:I hurt my ankle by stepping on a drainpipe.
Speaker 2:Ben Ruris said he stood up and the check engine light came on.
Speaker 1:I'm sure you guys have done that, where you stand up too fast and you really just feel like every light in your brain just goes nope.
Speaker 2:Yep, sit back down. That's right Now. I stand up from my seat and give it a moment before I walk away.
Speaker 1:Do I have to sit back down, or am I good to actually?
Speaker 2:move. Do I have to sit back down?
Speaker 1:All right, tj, you are shipwrecked on a deserted island and all you have is a bunch of cases of rum. What do you do?
Speaker 3:I have just a bunch of cases of rum. Is there anything else on the beach? Is there any like uh, let's say, washed up uh jars?
Speaker 2:sure you've found a jar okay so if there's rum on this beach, alex, I'm going to take one of the uh bottles of rum.
Speaker 3:Okay, we get fucked up.
Speaker 2:I, I'm going to take that jar that I found. I'm definitely there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it has a lid, Perfectly preserved jar we got here. I'm going to go inland, dig up some of the ground and throw it in the jar. I'm then going to go back to the beach and, whilst holding the jar of dirt with my wobbly rum legs, I'm going to start sprinting and say I have a jar of dirt with my wobbly rum legs. I'm going to start sprinting and say I have a jar of dirt.
Speaker 1:I have a jar of dirt. Guess what's inside it? You happen to tumble down a flight of stairs that were not previously there before. Yes, okay, yeah, you got a point. Uh, alex, you wake up on said deserted island. You see tj dancing around with a jar of dirt and all you have is a bunch of cases of rum. What do you do?
Speaker 2:I'm wondering why the fuck those cases of rum are still there. Why haven't they been consumed? If I am on a deserted island with TJ, something's going to have to make him more attractive.
Speaker 3:No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
Speaker 1:You know I wasn't going to give you a point until that last line. I love it. No, no, no.
Speaker 3:Wait, wait wait, wait, wait, all right. Wow, he's going to use a lube, all right.
Speaker 2:Don't use the rum Rum lube. Don't use the rum rum lube don't use the rum no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:So we have exhausted the general scenarios. Now we're going to go to our goofier scenarios. Okay, alex, the floor is lava for real this time. Okay, and all you have are onion mitts.
Speaker 2:Onion mitts.
Speaker 1:What Oven mitts?
Speaker 2:Ooh, what do you do? All I have are oven mitts, and the floor is lava.
Speaker 1:For real this time.
Speaker 2:Okay, I think I have something. Okay, so I would have to find something that wouldn't combust instantly. Are we here, sure, and this floor right here is lava. Ripped to the downstairs neighbors.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, they're long gone.
Speaker 2:So then this desk will take a little bit of time. I get on top of this desk.
Speaker 1:I will warn you, this desk is glass.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's okay, it's got metal underneath it.
Speaker 1:You don't think the heat would cause the glass to shatter?
Speaker 2:Oh, it would for sure, but not right away. It would temper it even further, making it the strongestible, and I could ride the glass like a surfboard down the stairs to safety.
Speaker 3:Stands on the glass, it melts. He's like ah. Now there's burning glass on my legs and love.
Speaker 2:But if I still have the rum from the island, I'm not caring.
Speaker 1:Now what about the oven mitts?
Speaker 2:Oh, I wear those just for fun, just for fashion.
Speaker 1:Just for fashion.
Speaker 3:That's interesting, okay, tj yes, there's a reason I'm shouting. I'm doing the podcast. Thank you, I should just win all of that.
Speaker 2:Will you survive the podcast?
Speaker 3:no um okay, so he? He clearly did not know of the ancient technique of shoving those damn oven mitts on my feet and walking right out, okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'll give you a point for it, because that is the answer I was going for, although I will say oven mitts aren't going to fit on your feet. They'll definitely fit on my feet. They're not going to fit on your feet.
Speaker 3:They'll definitely fit on my feet, not your big ass feet either. I have an oven mitt. I will go grab a goddamn oven and you're gonna have to hand stand. You're gonna have to hand stand your way out of there. I will tippy toe my way ass out of there. I don't care. Yeah, it's gonna work out.
Speaker 1:You'll wear them like heels, exactly, okay, so we also got three good comments on this.
Speaker 2:Okay, hb says pick up big rocks and hop on them, like mario. Okay, cerilia says throw the pillows down and jump on them. I like that.
Speaker 1:Works in regular floors Lava.
Speaker 2:And then, fenriris, the floor is lava. What the hell is wrong with your house? We haven't determined that yet.
Speaker 1:No, this is really bad because we live on the third floor.
Speaker 3:Third floor so if the bottom two floors are screwed it's only a matter of time, because the ground level is garage. And now the next scenario the lava is floor, causing chaos around the world, as all of the magma in the inner crust of the earth turns to floor Damn Damn. Turns to Ikea Fuck it Like flooring.
Speaker 2:You just went specific there.
Speaker 1:Did you just read my notes? The next scenario is Ikea related. Oh, my TJ, your next scenario you must escape an Ikea before it closes forever. And you have a compass with you. I have a compass, you have a compass.
Speaker 3:Okay, everybody knows that every Ikea entrance faces northwest. That's just a fact. No, yeah, it's literally. Look it up, I can literally think of one Literally looked it up, because you know, if you're facing the globe and you're looking at Sweden, where is it? Northwest?
Speaker 1:The entrances face the mountains.
Speaker 3:It faces northwest right. Okay, so I get my compass. Oh shit, yo, those are some really cheap hand towels. I can, I can't, I don't want to. I keep going. I run, I'm sprinting, I'm following that yellow fucking line that leads to everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Uh, eventually I make my way and I see a door. I run right at it and I'm like yes, finally exit. I open the door Fuck a millennial kitchen. I'm so thirsty at this point I've been running for like 20 fucking minutes. I turn on the sink in that room. No water, because it's a fake, god damn it. I leave. I burst through the door again. Ooh, really nice shelving. Might put that in my office. I leave. I burst through the door again. Ooh, really nice shelving. Might put that in my office. I have to stay focused. I keep going. I see somebody who works here. Hi, sir, fuck, he's just wearing a blue shirt. He doesn't work here. He's lost, just like me. What else can I do? I strangle the man.
Speaker 2:I strangle him to death I strangle the man.
Speaker 1:I strangle him to death.
Speaker 3:He's the another man. I cut him into pieces, I throw him on the stove. It doesn't work, gotta go raw. I eat the man because I know I'm never making it out of this IKEA live.
Speaker 1:Okay, alex, I'm scared to ask you now. You're stuck in an IKEA and your goal is to get out before it closes forever. There's also a psychopath inside the Ikea now and you have a compass.
Speaker 3:You're in an Ikea. A man sprints at you.
Speaker 1:A man sprints at you with half a leg hanging out of his mouth and a knife in his hand.
Speaker 2:I look down and see what color shirt I am wearing, to ensure I'm not dressed as an ikea employee you're wearing a red shirt, you're safe okay, so I don't worry about the psychopath right away well, you think it's a gray shirt, but yeah all right, that's a nice gray shirt you got on, but you know. Okay, we don't have to go there. So I think the first thing I want to do is is there a reason why I'm worried about it closing forever?
Speaker 1:Oh, because if it closes, you'll be stuck inside forever.
Speaker 2:Can't I just break the glass?
Speaker 1:No, it becomes magic If you can find it, it becomes magic. It's the most D&D answer I've ever given you.
Speaker 2:I think the way that I'm going to be able to do this is follow the motherfucking arrows on the ground. They point you in the direction that the whole flow is supposed to go. You're supposed to walk in the direction that they lead you so that you can experience all of the magic that Ikea has there for you. But they point everywhere and nowhere at the same time you can see what your home would look like.
Speaker 1:I agree with TJ.
Speaker 2:What.
Speaker 1:It points to everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
Speaker 2:It points to everywhere and nowhere. Yep, well, I don't care. I want to see what my bedroom should look like.
Speaker 1:I want to see what my kitchen should look like. You explore each individual room.
Speaker 2:Each and every one. I will exhaust Ikea, Ikea by the end will spit me out and say say, I have had enough of this fucking asshole I respect that, that even ikea, the building itself, would say I've had enough because you know can't handle me inside of you that long that's starts to hurt.
Speaker 1:Well, I almost took away your point now.
Speaker 2:So you can't be getting sensitive on me all right, alex.
Speaker 1:You are surrounded by a swarm of aggressive squirrels.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:All you have is a blender.
Speaker 2:Oh, let's do it. Is that blender plugged in?
Speaker 1:It's got its magic powered.
Speaker 2:Squirrel puree. Oh no, I love that they're aggressive. I'm going to open it up and I'm going to try to catch every single one of them inside of it while that thing is going, and I'm going to point it at the next one just so I can get the remnants of one of them on the other one before it goes in the blender as well.
Speaker 1:Psychic damage. I like it.
Speaker 2:I am going to pulverize them all, puree every single one of them. There will be nothing left of these squirrels. So if you're listening, squirrel, stop eating my freaking oranges.
Speaker 1:I think Alex has a grudge and might bring a blender to work now.
Speaker 2:Only if it's magic.
Speaker 1:TJ, what would you do with a magic blender surrounded by a swarm of aggressive squirrels.
Speaker 3:I would simply talk to them to just just to their, to their inner nature of wanting this dope ass, fucking blender. I, I, I. I will definitely get through to them. They will take me to their squirrel chief. I will give him nuts from beyond his lands and promise more, and I will give him a blender as gay shall use it to make nut butter.
Speaker 1:I kind of dig it. If I'm being honest, that's a revolutionary idea.
Speaker 3:They've known solid nuts their whole life. They've never had a nut butter.
Speaker 1:To speak to Chief Squirrel and sell his civilization a blender. That's ultimate salesman stuff right there, just I'm like billy may.
Speaker 3:Billy may's here with the new magic blender. You see, one, two, three, it's blended.
Speaker 1:It even works underwater they are blending here with the new slap, chop acorn butter. Acorn butter. I like that. Yeah, that's really going to open up the possibilities of squirrel civilization. I think you've altered the future forever. Yeah, tj. Yes, an evil AI has trapped you inside of a smart home. All you have is I'm deciding between two different things. All you have is I'm deciding between two different things. All you have is a roll of duct tape and you're stuck inside of a smart home by an evil AI. What do you do? I?
Speaker 3:am going to learn the ins and outs of its sight on the house. I guarantee there's at least one spot where it cannot see. I find that spot. I take the duct tape and I make the sexiest pair of lingerie bralette and panties that I can make. I put it on. I then walk into the site of the house. It's talking to me. It's like what are you doing, sir? I'm like freaky time, alexa ditty music. Bam bam, bam, bam, bam bam. Sir, I'm like freaky time, alexa diddy music. I then do the sexiest strip show that this ai house has ever seen. It is actually horrified. It then bursts into flames, leaving me inside. I burned to death, so you oh, so you don't survive it.
Speaker 1:Uh, but hear me out.
Speaker 3:Okay, interesting, and that's why I think I should get a point yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, Alex, you're stuck inside of a smart home by an evil AI and all you have is a roll of duct tape. What do you do?
Speaker 2:Okay, I am going to cover all the cameras with the duct tape.
Speaker 3:All right Boring.
Speaker 2:And then I'm going to wrap my hands in duct tape, cover my wrists in the duct tape and I'm going to smash on the windows as hard as I can until I break out. Yeah, I know you like the smashing part, hulk smash, and I'm going to escape through a window if it won't, let me out of a door.
Speaker 3:Are you naked?
Speaker 2:I can be.
Speaker 3:I mean most of the time I am. I feel like this plan can only work if you're naked.
Speaker 2:Then I'm naked. I get naked first, then I wrap my fists all in duct tape, I smash the window out and then I escape to be arrested for being naked.
Speaker 3:With a brand new circumcision. I break all of the glass out On the way out.
Speaker 2:I'm not crazy. A little of the glass on the way out.
Speaker 3:I'm not crazy a little off the top, please, thank you. No way I don't play that game. Keep it clean, cut. Don't push me back. I like your cut.
Speaker 1:G low taper fate okay, well, um, that's all I got. Scenarioswise, are there as a bonus round. Would each of you like to give each other a survival scenario with an item we could do, goofy or realistic, anybody have an idea? We don't have to do this part, but if you guys want to, I got one.
Speaker 3:Okay, go ahead, alex. You wake up In the stomach of a whale and all you have Are your hands. That's it, you got your hands.
Speaker 2:They are, they are.
Speaker 3:Detached from your body Because, as you were like Reaching out, like to get out Of the whale, it got bit off a little bit.
Speaker 2:So I don't even have my hands.
Speaker 3:Well, you have your hands, they're there with you, they're just yeah.
Speaker 2:But I can't like use them.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean you could.
Speaker 3:I mean, have you ever played Resident Evil 7? Biohazard, just throw some goop juice on.
Speaker 1:it Makes your hands grow back.
Speaker 2:But is there goop juice in there?
Speaker 1:No, you just have your hands.
Speaker 2:Sounds like I'm eating sushi. Why are you gonna bring up the goop juice biting my way out? That's what I'm gonna do just use the goop juice.
Speaker 1:Is there any?
Speaker 3:no, okay eric, you wake up. You said, you're eating sushi wait.
Speaker 1:Why am I?
Speaker 2:getting thrown into this.
Speaker 1:That wasn't the plan yeah, all you got is I go to the rib cage of the of the whale and I start tickling him with my tootsies, yeah, until he sneezes me out. Yeah, I think you survived. Give yourself a point, cool, hey, hey, thanks, thanks, man.
Speaker 2:So interestingly enough, Fenriris says Whales have ambergris. Slap it on. You know what ambergris is? Uh-uh, A solid waxy substance produced in the digestive system of sperm whales. Initially it has a marine fecal odor, but after floating in the ocean for several years it hardens and develops a fragrant scent, making it a coveted ingredient in fine perfumes oh great, yeah, that's fucking disgusting.
Speaker 3:You can get real money for that shit. I heard like, if you find that shit like on the beach or whatever, all right, I'm gonna give you a real one.
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna fuck with you like dumb shit hey, I survived. Hey, you had your hands would you rather survive a zombie apocalypse in a fortified size skyscraper with limited supplies but great visibility, or in a well-stocked underground bunker where you're completely cut off from the outside world?
Speaker 1:Bunker. Can I ask follow-up questions?
Speaker 2:Yeah. How apocalyptic is this world Is there like almost no survivors or you know that is kind of the hardest thing to answer, because if you choose the bunker you don't know.
Speaker 1:So this is like right in the beginning.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:I'm deciding.
Speaker 2:Yep, you know it's bad. You know governments are falling in a skyscraper, a fortified skyscraper with limited supplies but great visibility.
Speaker 1:No, I'm gonna go bunker. Yeah I. I think I move in with tj. We'll just play fortnight the whole time this fucking guy's ditty though until it eric, he's gonna pull out the baby oil.
Speaker 3:Eric, would you rather he's into twinks, he said eric, would you rather have games, unlimited games, so many games but no games, or what?
Speaker 1:yeah, I'm with alex, here. What?
Speaker 2:would you rather have games, unlimited games, so many games, but no games would you rather have oxygen, but you're in space have you even seen the hamburger cheeseburger on my screen?
Speaker 3:oh no, oh nice interesting okay but,
Speaker 2:no games um. You guys both think bunker, huh yeah, bunker.
Speaker 1:I think bunker.
Speaker 2:I go fortified skyscraper. I can't go underground in an apocalypse.
Speaker 3:We're gamers. Motherfucker. We'll be underground for years and be fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it would be like COVID. My life really would not change that much If it's just me and Eric.
Speaker 3:we'll set up little game rooms on opposite sides. You go underground and we'll still play, you don't know anything, we'll play LAN from other sides and we'll act like it's online.
Speaker 2:You guys are going to be underground for decades and the world will have moved on from it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we'll know who the CSGO champ between the two of us is.
Speaker 3:We got our Steam libraries.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, and our unlimited.
Speaker 3:Unlimited games.
Speaker 1:So many games but no games, maybe we'll actually beat it. Takes Two.
Speaker 2:All right. So what's the verdict? Host?
Speaker 1:Well, I've been keeping track of points which I don't normally do Valid, Valid and after all the scenarios and, truthfully, your guys' two scenarios really made a difference in who won Drumroll. Please, we have Alex as the winner with 12 points and TJ with 11. What the fuck? There was something TJ said earlier in the episode that was so funny and I don't remember what it was, but yeah, that was very funny and that had him in the episode.
Speaker 1:That was so funny and I don't remember what it was, but yeah, that was very funny and that had him in the lead for a while.
Speaker 3:Josh but his scenario.
Speaker 2:Josh. His scenario didn't help him. Josh help.
Speaker 1:His scenario. His scenario did not help him, josh, and yours did. You guys were able to earn points for either the scenario that I gave you or the follow-up, so either one could have earned you points. In some cases, you guys earned two points in one round. In some cases you earned one. In, I think, one case someone earned zero.
Speaker 3:Josh, give me the win, and my life is yours.
Speaker 1:Side note I also have one point, so that's cool.
Speaker 2:Nice.
Speaker 3:Eric, let me get that point, and then we can do a tie beater and it'll be funny.
Speaker 1:Well, those what should we call it? Those rounds I'm sorry. Those two rounds that you guys just made up was the tiebreaker.
Speaker 3:Oh oh well you didn't even let me do another one. I feel like I should get another one just why would you get two?
Speaker 1:yeah, I think we're good on time actually, so uh we're really, really not.
Speaker 3:This is gonna be like a 20 minute episode probably alex is gonna be.
Speaker 1:When did you start recording? Alex is going to be our next host, next episode.
Speaker 2:Josh.
Speaker 1:Help me Really quick, Alex Winterspeed Josh.
Speaker 2:Thank you all for contributing to my win. I'm so grateful for it all. I hope that you'll go check us out on all of our socials. Go check us out on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook. Will you Survive the Podcast? You can also search us up. Will you survive the podcast on youtube as well. Send your emails to the boys at. Will you survive the podcastcom? That's t-h-e-b-o-y-s at. Will you survive the podcastcom?
Speaker 2:let us know if you have any movies or suggestions that of topics you would like us to cover. Any other critiques, criticisms, anything like that, I would also take that.
Speaker 3:He uses the email for his Pornhub account.
Speaker 1:Having a Pornhub account is crazy.
Speaker 3:We keep getting updates on our phones and we're like whose fucking account is this? Me and Eric talked it's his.
Speaker 1:If you have a Pornhub account, it means that you're commenting, and that's crazy behavior.
Speaker 2:I exclusively go on to P. We went through his favorites list and it's fucking absolutely wild.
Speaker 1:You don't even watch them, you just comment.
Speaker 2:Don't even watch the videos, I just comment. It's just people in the woods, I just like to be there to watch.
Speaker 1:I just like to watch the ones where he's like that's not how you start a fire, that's not how you start a fire.
Speaker 3:These two dudes are rubbing their sticks together and it's not starting to fire, right.
Speaker 1:That's not very realistic.
Speaker 2:That is not what you would want to do in that scenario.
Speaker 1:That water looks way too cold.
Speaker 2:If you guys are stuck out in the woods, the last thing you want to do is take your clothes off.
Speaker 3:Do I get a loser?
Speaker 1:speech Sure. What do you want to say? Josh, josh, give me the win, please, josh, and until next time, stay alive okay, as your host, uh, I will say loser and until next time, stay alive joshua, give me the win.
Speaker 3:It'll be fun if you give me the win. It'll be fun if you give me the win. You.
